From the year of 1994, I was presented with numerous amount of blessings coming from all corners of my life, that I took it as a form of 'luck'. But now, I would not refer to it as 'luck', but I will maturely perceive it as a Blessing.

When I was knocked out and pinned down by a huge bulk of burden, stress, sadness, and the lost of a fair insight, I would break down, and give in. But even so, He did not gave up on me. He held on to me tightly and dearly, and led me on to a path lined with bright lights and positive energy.

As long as I keep having faith, I believe He will never give up on me, nor will He ever let me suffer alone. 

For someone that is as unworthy as I am, someone with nothing to offer, someone who sins, and someone who is awfully flawed, I have been blessed by kindness, and by a huge amount of love, and I will say it again and again, that all of these has been a true form of blessing I could ever get in this life. Thank you and thank you.

a simple realization struck me. 

that we, the humans that was created with blood flowing through our veins, with conscience embedded onto us, that differs us from any four legged beings, prefers to act like an animal more than a human. but evenso sometimes, i think animals are even more humane than a human can ever be. with all the degradation, the insults we put onto our own kind, the humiliation, the double standards, the fight for something that is unnecessary but the ignorance that we apply to the people who needs attention, and care. 

we should deem ourselves unfit for humanity. letting those who magically causes the money that the nations worked hard for, vanish from sight, and use it for their lavish lifestyle, to pamper themselves, when the people who believed in them, eats lesser and lesser everyday. to cast out those who screeches for mercy , and for compassion, that we failed to portray and let them die in the scorching atmosphere, and drown their carcasses into the sea. 

the question that remains unanswered, is the question i ought to ask repeatedly, what happened to this world and what happened to humanity. why do we fail those people, who seeks for our comfort, and leave them in a such devastating state. do we not have a heart filled with sympathy any longer ? what have we filled it with ? is it cement that hardens our hearts, or is it our own doings, our own mind-boggling thoughts that turned us into beasts. 

My view on this topic may differ from everyone else's. so here we go. i came from a daily government school, in which we all may know, that we emphasize less on Islamic values, in my schooling years lah tapi. so when i first came to egypt, i got a few remarks and reminders from certain people about how things goes down here. and at first, i thought that it can not be true, this can not be real. but it turns out to be,well, too darn real. 

what is it that im talking about ? extremist. SOME (please highlight on the some) people, tend to have a very close-minded way of thinking. "NO YOU CANT DO THAT" "NO!" and sometimes they tend to gather and circle up and "talk" to you. I've heard stories from people. I've never been through any of it. do you know what impact did it gave me, FEAR. yes, i got goosebumps listening to these stories. my reaction was like "woah". so this is what i think, islam means peace right ? but why are you people, running around, carrying the name of islam on your shoulder, scaring people ? you think, by scaring people will make them feel like you are good ? no. you're not. ada cara nak tegur org. lain org lain cara, lain org lain background, lain org lain pengetahuannya. you wanna use sarcasm ? sarcasm only gestures at one's impotence. oh tegur secara pedas ? where will that get you ? 

and one more thing, who are you, who in the world are you, to label orang lain, mahal atau murah ? membandingkan kaum hawa sama dengan barang ? gula gula jatuh ketanah, kotor, takde siapa nak, sebab "lelaki yang baik untuk perempuan yang baik". amboi, hinanya. mcm terus takde value. sedangkan yang memberi Rahmat bukan kau, yang Memaafkan dosa seseorang, bukan kau. yang tau isi hati seseorang, bukan kau. It can be, that maybe, that person physically, may look like she doesnt even talk to Allah, but when actually, setiap solat dia, dia menangis minta Allah ampunkan dia. pernah terfikir tak ? 
or physically, it may appear that they may not be the best Muslim, but dalam hati, dia nak sangat jadi. tapi disebabkan org-org yang "baik" ni pandang rendah terhadap dia, dia taktau siapa yang boleh tambahkan knowledge dia about islam. 

because the way i see how these "honorable" people bersocial. They only talk to their kind. They only think that their kind ni je lah yang terbaik, ahli syurga, Muslimah, etc etc. now you may not agree, if so then nvm. ni luahan hati aku. and bagi kumpulan yang suka korek rahsia org and serang org secara tiba-tiba, tolong tukar cara, ni bukan asrama, ni bukan zaman sekolah. yang suka jaga tepi kain org ni, minda tu buka sikit. bukan korg je ada dalam dunia ni, wake up, this is not some kind of a made up fantasy. nak guna kekerasan, siapa je yang boleh terima kekerasan. dalam hall lemah-lembut berkata-kata, dalam tandas, mengutuk orang macam dunia ni kau yang punya. sekian. Assalamualaikum. 

regarding Egypt's situation and the latest update about my studies, you see, i may not see eye to eye with others that says "Egypt wont get better" "It's too dangerous out there" "Egypt's education system is bad and we wont have jobs after this" "Other doctors will look at us like we are amateurs/a nobody" 
I hear this a lot. Lets just say, I am not the optimistic kind. I've always been surrounded by negative thoughts. People, in a strange way, will always influence my decision, but not this time. I have a feeling that things will get better. A feeling like, 'in the end, it depends on how hard you try to gain knowledge, and experience, by yourself". A feeling that, 'people can mistreat me, but I can get up and move forward and be better than they will ever be'. cus when I had no chance at all, this place, saved me. It gave me a chance. I hated Egypt like I hated shit, but as the time goes by, I got attached to it and whether or not things get better, in which I hope it will get better, I'm counting on Egypt to let me remain on my optimistic side, cus I have never felt more alive. as dramatic as it sounds, the things im saying and the thoughts im blurting out right now, are not only my thoughts, but some other people might think about it too. 

Ayah's been asking me, if I am sure that I wanna go back to Egypt ,and he definitely prefers for me to be in Egypt. He said, "Malaysia and Egypt are not so different, but Egypt has more Islamic values than any other place would have" and that was the reason why he wants me to go back to Egypt and pursue my dreams. and i agree with ayah. A man once said "Egypt tempat kita menjadi 'orang'" and i strongly agree with his statement. it did change me. I had to deal with bullshitters who shits bullshits about me to people in order to make people hate me. I used to fight with that kind of people, but ever since that happened, jadi malas. I'm not gonna fall to your level, so be it. and I became like that, when I was in Egypt. 

I became more independent, I didn't depend on TV for entertainment but instead, i do something else like going to the beach with Mia, and taking long walks or just relax on my bed, doing nothing. 
I met nice people there, nice housemates, created memories, joined tafaqquh(?) for the first time ever and went there without sighing. next year, kakak rumah nak buat usrah, pretty excited to see how it goes, cus i've never been to any of it.
what i'm trying to say is, in Egypt, I got exposed to religious stuff. good beneficial stuff, and i hope i remain the same by getting more exposure to these sort of beneficial events and i dont think i can ever be like this if I come back to Malaysia.

and so many other events, changed me. Seniors are nice. Professors are nice. The food aren't nice, the apartment are not nice/but it's nice, Egypt is nice, to me. So yeah. That is all. 
I wish everyone the best of luck for whatever decision you guys are about to make, and Allah knows what's best for you.

I'm trying to get myself out of this circle of life. It's unhealthy, and I don't like it. Being around people makes me turn into an awful inner-self of mine. It's not easy to control this urge to do such a thing, and it bothers me. One of the reasons why I like being alone, and only be around the people I really really like. Who knows me well enough not to bring that topic out into our conversation. haih. 
It's pretty hard finding someone who fits me well, someone with a shoe that matches mine. Some just, likes to compete, love to compete. Life is not a competition, I didn't sign up for this "competition". Never had the intention to compete and win nor lose. This is why I hate this part of me, URGH. So frustrating, it's a waste of time, a waste of energy and a waste of the spaces in my brain. May Allah ease, and help me get rid of these people who keeps bugging me, insyaAllah. Assalamualaikum.

I choose sides, I do. I'm not neutral. I'm not ignorant. I'm not too young to talk or to get my hands on political knowledge. But one thing for sure, I have no respect towards those people who shows no respect to others. Sure, ofcourse, many people out there tend to burst in anger when they are attacked. Who doesn't get mad when they are provoked. and I highly disagree with the statement "budak bawah umur tak payah sibuk pasal politik. belum boleh mengundi". What I understand, that you are telling youngsters who can't vote tu, to free their mind from political knowledge. yeah, we are young. but young doesn't mean you can't voice out your opinion or choose sides. yang "budak bawah umur tak boleh mengundi" ni lah yang akan mengundi one day. Takda siapa dalam dunia ni makin hari makin muda bukan ? takkan lah esok dah boleh mengundi baru harini nak choose sides. banyak benda kita kena tahu. banyak benda kita kena gali. banyak benda kena research, which side you think is best for your country. and come on lah, just because I can't vote doesn't mean I can't see pihak mana yang baik untuk country kita. tak perlu bash sana sini, dapat apa makcik makcik, pakcik pakcik. tak payah nak memaki dekat pihak lain. menang kah anda apabila anda mula melontar kata-kata kesat kepada pihak lawan ?

If you think they are wrong, correct them. If they think that you are wrong, they will correct you. and somehow tiba-tiba statement dia seems legit, haaaa, agree je lah. Takda istilah "kalau aku salah macam mana dari segi fakta pon, aku tetap betul, kalau tak aku memaki" And in an argument if you start cursing or calling your opponent with names that is very provoking, it means you are losing the argument. true shit. no kidding. 
but seriously, budak bawah umur boleh bincang politic. politic is apart of our life, jangan kata this is crap, the country you're living in, all around you, semua ada kena mengena dengan politic. Politic is a blessing for the true ones, but it's a poison for the corrupted ones. Jangan jadi ignorant sangat ye. Jangan nak, AH SCREW POLITICS,THEY ARE DIRTY. it's politics man, sekarang mmg dirty. kalau mcm tu, do something, clean it up. cakap dok goyang kaki je dapat apa kan ? Tak kisah kau pihak mana pon, BE FAIR AND HAVE RESPECT AND DON'T EVEN SAY "BUDAK BAWAH UMUR TAKBOLEH MENGUNDI JANGAN SIBUK" SHIT TO ME. 

Assalamualaikum and may Allah decide what's best for us.

My holiday is coming to an end. It has been three weeks now. Going back to Egypt this Thursday and I have foreseen my future there. Stresses, no more laughter. It is so sad that I have to end this. As soon as I get back, I have to continue struggling. I need to cover up my pointers if things goes bad and not the way I planned it and wanted it to be. As soon as I get back to egypt, I'm starting a whole new life. A whole new me insya Allah. A whole new goals. A whole new surrounding. I am pretty sure I'd be tearing up this Thursday leaving Malaysia. Leaving my family behind. They made my stay in Malaysia a great one. Never ending love I get from them. Never ending support. I screwed my finals up. I am scared, honestly. I'm feeling restless. Once I get back, I'm going to table up my life, put it in place and start organizing it. 

They say happiness is forever, but not for me. Happiness is temporary, and I will and might have dark clouds surrounding me in a few days. The only thing that will light me up is my Cokk and two of my friends that I miss. Trying not to get too attach to people. I might end up getting stabbed by the heart. I don't hate Egypt, I just hate myself for not trying to make it a better place to stay when I can. What makes it a better place to stay is when you have amazing people accompanying you in this very hard journey. I have 5 and a half more years to go, and I'm pretty sure these amazing people will be found. I'm looking forward to a new life, and a new step I'm about to take. God bless, and all the best. Assalamualaikum.